My Point of View
In a cafeteria as disgusting as this one, you can only expect to find more disgusting things. A shriveled up french fry here, a mysterious grease spot there. But my standards are pretty low, and the amount of dollars in my wallet after ordering more horse head masks off Amazon than I needed is even lower. I can’t afford to be picky. As I walk down the discolored main walkway, avoiding multiple sticky spots and scanning the menu for anything vaguely edible, I realize that this place doesn’t even sell french fries, so I’m not sure what I actually saw back there. Soaking in the grossness of “Cheapo’s Mash-n-Dash,” I realize that spending one second longer in this dump would be a mortal personal offense, so I decide to take “Cheapo” up on his offer and, well, “Dash” as soon as possible. As I wait for the pimple-faced minimum wage worker who clearly hates his life make my food, I notice a familiar-looking blonde woman sitting on her knees in the corner, hastily scrolling through her iPhone as though any divergence of her thumb would be her doom. Why she is like this, I can’t say, but--wait. Oh my god. Kellyanne Conway? I almost shout to her. What is she doing at “Cheapo’s?” I’m pretty sure this place used to be a landfill. Kellyanne! You work for the president! You’re better than this, babe! God, this is weird. I bet I’m going to be watching The Rachel Maddow Show tomorrow night and discover that there is a whole secret scandal about this place having connections to the White House, just wait. I thought the vileness of “Cheapo’s Mash-n-Dash” would have ended at the steaming pile of “Burger with Cheese” that the depressingly deflated employee just plopped down on my tray, and yet I am somehow able to find one more disgusting thing.
Kellyanne Conway's Point of View
No one who comes to “Cheapo’s Mash-n-Dash” is going to recognize me here. You cannot tell me that any one of these people has turned on any channel other than TLC. I feel so safe and free; I can do whatever I--No. Nooo no no. Oh no. A teenager just walked in. And a female one, at that. Alright, Kellyanne, just play it cool. I feel sweat drip down my forehead, but I quickly wipe it away as she does some stupid looking dance moves to to avoid the especially grimy spots on the floor. Or maybe that is just what the kids are doing these days, who knows. I make a note to look this up later on. Ha, she just went to push up her glasses but then realized that she wasn’t wearing any; what an idiot. Alright, this is no one to worry about. It does seem as though she is staring at me… Yeah, keep staring like a democrat! I should have stayed with Ted Cruz, I don’t need this! Okay. Okay. Calm down, Kellyanne, calm down. Oh god, is she tweeting? I can’t take another hashtag. If I have to invent one more fake massacre, so help me God, I just might quit.