Thursday, May 18, 2017

Schadenfreude/Jubilation Companion Poems

Whenever you look to buy something new,
Like a cool t-shirt or a nice pair of shoes,
Someone will tell you to say adieu
To your new purchases, but please pull through;
You know they won't bring any joy that is true,
But those shorts are on sale and they look good on you, too!
It's been said way too much that money turns you askew,
So do what you want and do what is you.

Alright, you get it, you've been told to see through
The evils of materialism and all it can do.
So what are you supposed to do in lieu
Of indulging yourself in your earned revenue?
You can kiss your beloved or enjoy a nice view;
You can fall in love in an old wood canoe
You can hug your best friend or laugh at a baby's "achoo!"
You can frolic in the flowers (you always loved that peacock blue);
But let's be honest, and I'm no guru,
That those who believe in fake happiness are far and few.
No one knows true joy, and we all know it's true.
No one is fooling themselves; we have more than a clue.
There is no escape from Earth's dark rendezvous,
So why not just buy those overpriced shoes?

College Rejection Letter

"this is not a reflection of you,"
says the black ink
on the white page
on a tuesday night,
"we're so sorry we can't let you in."

the letter looks better
with miserable tears
blurring out the original words.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Ron's Shoe - A Dialogue Poem

“Did you eat Ron’s shoe?”
I sternly ask my dog, Brett.
I know it wasn’t old Georgie
(he’s too, well, old).
And it couldn’t have been little Angel
(she’s too, well, angelic).
That leaves the final suspect
(he’s a newcomer to the scene).
Brett’s had me pulling my hair out for weeks now
With his constant bouts of trouble
So when I ask who ate Ron’s shoe,
“Woof,” is all Brett can confess, “Woof woof.”

Sunday, May 14, 2017

A Grave Situation - Inspired by Dylan Thomas

I wish I had a pun for this situation.
Everyone is so serious and it’s making me nervous.
Don’t you want to hear a joke for this grave cremation?


Yes, I’ll contribute to the familial donation,
And of course I’ll attend the woeful church service,
But I really wish I had a pun for this situation.


I hardly knew the man; I was on a long vacation,
So I won’t cry when the old guy gets put in the furnace.
Oh come on, don’t you want to hear a joke for this grave cremation?


I don’t appreciate your apathy accusations.
I simply don’t enjoy an emotional catharsis
And I wish I had a pun for this situation.


Why can’t death be a fun celebration?
Let’s focus on his life, not my supposed neurosis.
Now don’t you want to hear a joke for this grave cremation?


Worship his work for the National Aeronautics and Space Administration
Or the crazy way he talked about his dog being anthropomorphous.
I just wish I had a pun for this situation.
Don’t you want to hear a joke for this grave cremation?

Friday, May 12, 2017

The Creature

Deep in a creek there’s a creature that reeks.
Not a Greek myth or an antique gift from the stone age,
Not to tweak with or to play hide and seek with or engage.
It’s a funny little thing but it’ll kill you in a second.
No frills, no thrills, no goodwill, and they’re found in Quebec, and
They say it was invented by the bay just down the way
By a scientist whose science is a bouquet of crazy.
Well not a scientist, really, but rather another funny thing:
It was a giant alien cyclops the size of a triceratops
Who has a biomed degree he probably faked in photoshop.
The miniature creature will lure you in with song;
A long song so strong it'll make you come along.
No sense of right or wrong,
Not legal in Guangdong,
A fear of Neil Armstrong’s.
So if you find yourself in Canada make sure you have some stamina
To avoid the monster doctor's concoction like some vague pneumonic plague,
Or you'll suffer a fate more unfortunate than the mills of Amoskeag.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Marty McFly (Back to the Future) and Joel Robinson (Mystery Science Theater 3000)

MARTY: So this is the future?
JOEL: Well, the not too distant future...
MARTY: This isn't right! I have to be back in 1985! Where are we???
JOEL: Um...it's a bit difficult to explain.
MARTY: What do you mean?
JOEL: Well, I'm sort of trapped on this space craft. The Satellite of Love, actually. And I'm forced to watch these bad movies, really bad. Worst of all time. So--
MARTY: Wait, wait, what? Why?
JOEL: These mad scientists are trying to see what movies will cause insanity to take over the world. So anyway, I built these robots to help me get through them. Which means that all the spare parts are gone, so we're all stuck here.
MARTY: This is heavy.
JOEL: Oh, don't worry! We have fun up here...kind of...
MARTY: I need to go, I have a whole life on Earth in 1985! How did I even get up here?
JOEL: I'd love to help you, but the next movie is starting!  We have to go!
MARTY: I don't want to watch a movie, I want to get home.
JOEL: It won't be so bad. At least it's not "Manos:" Hands of Fate.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

The Tragicomedy of Stewart Willis

“5.2 million dollars?” cried Stewart as he lied in his fifty thousand dollar bed. He threw his thirty two thousand dollar phone across the room, wincing as he saw a glint of broken glass fall to the floor when it fell to the floor. Oh well. He can just buy another one.
Wait a minute, no he can’t. He’s 5.2 million dollars in debt.
As a popular nineties sitcom star, Stewart Willis had always lived a life of luxury. His favorite thing to do was spend, and it was no problem; residuals were still coming in from late night reruns. Though he had lost his popularity with the new age, for some reason people simply could not give up the cheesiness and forced comedy of Bidets of Our Lives, so Stewart continued to shovel his money into the furnace of materialism. Although he loved money, however, he was not very smart with it. This was probably why he had found himself in 5.2 million dollars in debt.

Monday, May 1, 2017

The Boogeyman - Inspired by The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes

The kids were fast asleep in their den,
Their parents up late watching Cutthroat Kitchen,
The dog squeaked his monkey toy and constantly pawed at it,
And the boogeyman came creeping--
Creeping--creeping--
The boogeyman came creeping out of the kids’ small closet.


“Mom!” cried the youngest, in fear for his life,
While the oldest ran to her desk for her handy pocket knife,
And the middle simply froze, shaken to his core,
And the boogeyman started banging,
He would not stop his banging,
The boogeyman kept banging against the closet door.


The mom looked at the dad and told him, “Your turn,”
While the dad sighed and paused the Food Network rerun.
He dragged his feet to their room; they do this every night.
But as he begged the children to go to sleep,
Please, just go to sleep,
The boogeyman still was knocking and gave the dad a fright.


“Barbara!” yelled the dad, not believing his eyes,
“It's your turn, Craig!” screamed the mom, not wanting her comfort jeopardized,
Then some silence ensued, till the mom got up and groaned,
And trudged to the kid’s room,
Trudged unhappily to their room,
Trudged in to see and her family as pale and still as gravestones.


There is no boogeyman!” exclaimed Barbara, turning the light on with a flicker,
But she whipped open the closet door and saw a strange hooded figure.
She rolled her eyes and ratted out the mischievous boogeyman to keep him at bay.
She already knew mischievous boogeyman,
The mischievous boogeywoman:
“Your sister is home from college, and it's April Fool’s Day!”